Water gets a modern update ... with sparkles!

Water is necessary for your bodily health, tastes great, and is fun to throw at people. It's been around pretty much forever, and is now getting a modern update! Yup. Water with sparkles is the new fad. It's essentially classical soda water (water that's been carbonated, so it has bubbles) with some kind of flavoring. It tickles your nose and makes you burp. But, it's still the nourishing water you grew up with.

Don't get me wrong, I love this new water. I no longer need to seek out a soda pop when my stomach is feeling lousy, and can simply open a can of sparkling water. What I find amusing is how water first became a major industry (when many brands actually began with essentially tap water) and now has fashioned itself into a fad where you see water right next to the most popular soda pops. It's incredible. What an amazing world we live in.

So, how long until they repackage air? Or sunlight? What about making heat less unbearable? Is it possible to make vegetables more palatable to children? Perhaps someone could create a bread that toasts itself, or at least doesn't fall to pieces when you butter it. There's so many possibilities! Of course, you never can guess what the next fad will be, but I do hope this sparkling water idea sticks around for a long time.

- M

I'm getting a headache ... no problem, here's a carrot.

Why does an apple a day keep the doctor away? How does eating carrots make your eyes better? Does drinking water upside down really cure hiccups? Where did all these silly traditions come from? And, why do we persist in believing them? For me, it's all in good fun. Wherever the idea of carrots for eyes came from, it sure didn't work in my case. Yes, I know vitamins are important, but my eyesight is horrid and no vitamins will cure that. But, it's fun to joke about eating carrots.

There are plenty of wild and wacky medical inventions created throughout the years. I enjoy searching for devices from the 1800's especially, because some seem at the outset like possibly good ideas ... and then you see the device and wonder just what particular plant they were smoking when they came up with the idea? I wonder how many sold? I suppose they did great business, because there sure were lots of insane inventions on the market. You never know, maybe they even did some good.

Based on this history, I'm betting we'll always have ridiculous ideas (I remember the grapefruit diet, among others). People are keen to find new and revolutionary methods to improve health, despite no evidence whatsoever. Also, there's plenty who will believe anything so long as it's advertised in an attractive way--watch any state fair steak knives sales pitch and you'll agree. Ideas are quick, easy, sometimes work, sometimes don't. But, without ideas, we go stagnant ... so, keep up with the apples and carrots, just don't expect it to work all the time.

- M

Sneezing your head off

I'm renown for having powerful sneezes. I can't help it. I've tried reducing the power, but that hurts my head badly and I'm sure that isn't a good thing. So, my family has gotten used to it--usually having a laugh at my expense--and I've passed on the trait to my son. Sigh. Well, today I startled myself. There's a box piano next to my desk and when I sneezed, the piano rang. Yes, just like I'd thumped it with my fist. Good grief.

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There are a lot of phrases that come to mind when people do big and large things: strong like a horse, big as a mountain, tough as nails, trumpet like an elephant. Maybe I can add a new one to the list ... "Knocks pianos out of tune." Hmm, doesn't quite have the punch I'd prefer. Oh well.

Do you know anyone who you good-naturedly point out as a freak of nature? Being one of them, I can't say I mind all that much. It's humorous ribbing, stuff that friends do when they're together. My best friend could be described as a human vacuum cleaner, because I swear he never actually chews anything--I've seen him devour a cheeseburger in the blink of an eye ... twice. In my view, these things just make life entertaining, so long as you take the time to notice.

- M

ps. If you haven't sneezed by now, then I'm disappointed.

Dance the night away!

I can't dance. Sure, my knees don't support much flailing around, but I could still do something. Sadly, I have never learned. However, I can do a pretty awesome imitation of a beached fish. Or, maybe a crippled bear. Whatever the animal, my dancing is not coordinated in any manner known to science. That's okay though, because I have fun anyway.

Why are we so serious so much of the time? I suppose it's always been that way, otherwise there wouldn't be comedians. But, at least we can laugh at their jokes and see the world for the ridiculous place it actually is. Laughter is contagious. When you're around people having a good time and sharing their enjoyment, it's really tough to be sullen and moody. Put a bit of light into someone else's life, and laugh along with them.

Some of my very favorite movies are old-time comedies. Some have nearly no plot, make very little sense, and I'm not sure even have a conclusion. It doesn't matter. I want to laugh and have fun. I miss that element in modern movies. Even comedies are too serious these days. I want more mindless, goofy, family-friendly hilarity. Or, I could just dance and let my children laugh at that. It's all the same in the end, isn't it?

- M

Chairs defy me on purpose! I swear. It's not me. They're out to get me.

The chair attacked me! I crushed it's spine in self defense.

One of the examples of having faith is the humble chair. It's said we all believe without question that chairs will support us, and don't put much thought into the act of sitting in one. Well, I beg to differ! My experience is chairs are unqualified and should be viewed with extreme skepticism at all turns. I cannot count the number of chairs that have exploded beneath me. Personally, I'm insulted, but I can only view this as a massive conspiracy against me.

We depend on many things to work as designed and when they don't we're understandably upset. It's a point of faith. When we get into our cars and turn the key, the engine should start. When we use a broom, the bristles should stay put and sweep up the dust. When we flip the light switch, the light should turn on. It should be faith, it should be a certainty!

Maybe I should put together a petition against objects in general. Inanimate objects hate me. Pencils and pens also fly out of my grasp like greased weasels (my best friend remembers very well being smacked in the face by soaring writing implements in computer programming school). Walls reach out and crack me in the elbow. I'm hardly clumsy, but these things happen all the time. It's on purpose, and the inanimate world is to blame! #SayNoToChairs

- M

Blind, with both eyes open. You aren't clumsy ... it's a prankster!

Have you ever walked into a doorframe, despite the fact that you were watching where you were walking? Or, has a wall reached out and smacked you in the face, even though you were in the middle of the hallway? What about tripping over a non-existent rock? It's a mystery, but I'm here to explain it...

My best friends will tell you that I've had plenty of experience with these phenomena, and I'm here to tell you there's a simple explanation. Gremlins.

Back in World War 2, pilots blamed unexpected malfunctions to otherwise perfectly fine aircraft on malicious invisible pranksters they named "Gremlins." Unexplained malfunctions plagued pilots, and made airplane mechanics scratch their heads. Once the planes were back to base, many times there was no cause found whatsoever. Problems just ... appeared.

As I explained about socks vanishing inside dryers, this also is due to a previously unknown creature. Gremlins are invisible, incredibly fast, and prone to fiddle with anything electronic or mechanical. So, what does this have to do with bumping into walls and tripping over your own feet? Well, it's because gremlins also have a powerful local gravity field. You weren't being clumsy, you just fell into their gravity well. Nerdy way of saying you got pulled in. The best response in these situations is to aim a swift kick at the invisible creature and shout loudly.

Trust me, it works.

- M

Being funny. Comedy. Jokes. Can anyone do it?

People often tell me that I have a very dry sense of humor. I tend to come out of absolutely nowhere, ambush with a joke, and retreat into the bush before anyone realizes what's happened. A good friend of mine compared me to a humor ninja. What's amusing to me is how many people think I don't have much of a sense of humor at all. That makes me think about comedy in general. Why is something funny? Why do we poke fun at life's hardships? Why can we laugh even when it hurts to think about it?


A grinning sloth, because it's hilarious!
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Like beauty, humor is in the eye of the beholder. Professional humorists excel at pointing out the oddities in life and making us see them in new ways. Goofballs who do slapstick/physical comedy generally exaggerate behaviors to make them hilarious. There are hundreds of words describing something amusing, yet millions of ways of expressing them. I'd bet that one of the first things Adam said to Eve was a fart joke.

To answer my title question, sure anyone can be funny. Sometimes it just requires a bit of self-awareness and the ability to laugh at yourself. Naturally, like any skill, humor can be fine tuned and perfected. And, it can also be butchered badly. There's hardly worse humiliation than a joke that not only falls flat but digs its own grave. Don't let that worry you though. Most people appreciate a good joke, even a lame one. And, you may discover a real talent for comedy that you didn't even know you possessed.

So, wanna pull my finger?

- M

Cleaning out gutters ... is that supposed to be fun or hard?

Our house has I think too many gutters. I swear they are more numerous than the sides of our building. Plus, we have two wonderfully massive oak trees ... so, we need to clean the gutters often. The kids love doing it, and I'm very glad and blessed because ladders and I do not get along. I found out also that I need to make sure the horizontal portions are also cleaned out. Not sure why I didn't realize this before, as I'm sure any well-thinking person would have. But, now I have and get to add another cleaning duty to my list.

I've been intrigued by outdoor chores for a long time. Some people will actually take vacations just to do gardening--I think these people must be observed carefully, because they clearly aren't sane. Something my father did a lot was wash and wax his cars. I helped as a dutiful son (and I was definitely the most awesome waxer and polisher ever witnessed on the planet, thank you very much), yet have let that particular chore drop aside on my own vehicles. Another is washing windows; I can't say for certain if I've ever done this, but I know many people do and have to ask if it helps?

My wife and I love going around and looking at fine neighborhoods and their immaculate lawns. It's inspirational. I find myself dreaming of running waterfalls and koi ponds, with winding garden paths and fountains of roses ... and then I wake up in a sweat. Silly thing is, I really would love to have these things, but I just wouldn't maintain them in any appropriate fashion. It's not that I dislike outdoor work, it just isn't my particular pleasure. Although, our yard is big enough for something... I know, a jousting arena!

- M

History Channel's "Full Metal Jousting"

Mortal combat!

Sorry I missed last night, but I was embroiled in a fight for my life!

This isn't it, but it looks evil enough

 

Let me ask you, have you ever assembled a wardrobe?
 

I've got slivers and bumps and scratches and claw and tooth and burn marks! I swear this piece of furniture was possessed. I think there's something to that, since the instructions made me put it together upside down. Have you ever tried using a hammer while on your head? It's not easy. And, don't even get me started on turning in screws and lining up nails. Yeowch! Then, when I put it mostly together, I needed to hang the doors. That's an awfully violent process, and my feet didn't take well to it--well, I did have to lift the doors to hang them.
 

But, that wasn't everything. Once it was all together, I still had to fasten it to the wall, so it wouldn't tip over and crush me. I think the wall and the wardrobe were in on it together, because that drywall refused to open up a hole for the screw! It was uncanny. I used a spike to put a neat hole in, then tried putting in the drywall screw, and it melted and snapped in half. Hmm, no worry, I got another and the same thing happened. I pulled out a plastic sleeve and tapped it in place ... rather, tried to because the thing wouldn't slide in. Finally, I got an all metal screw with expanding sides. Hammering in that sucker took nearly everything out of me, but it worked!

 

I am victorious!

 

... except, I didn't quite put it in the correct place ... sorry, honey!

 

- M

Laughter, pure as starlight and twice as enchanting

Why are there so many types of laughter? Have you ever counted the various laughs you encounter in your day-to-day lives? Or, maybe you aren't hearing enough. Laughter is good for the soul. It heals, comforts, shares, and enjoys. There's nothing cruel to honest laughter and the mirth can spread as infectiously as any Winter cold. I believe in the miracle of laughter. It's one of the greatest aspects of any life, and we truly don't get enough of it.

My youngest daughter is working on a laugh that she knows full well is disarmingly cute and adorable. It's somewhere between a squeak and a snort, like a surprised mouse. She knows how awesome it is, and doesn't feel in the least bit ashamed to share it at every opportunity. Yup, I do encourage those opportunities as much as I possibly can. Our family loves to laugh, tickle, play, and have fun. After all, what good is life without enjoyment? Loosen up. Laugh.

Even our pets enjoy life. I've watched a bunch of online videos showing cats and dogs pranking each other, or we humans. Penguins and otters make slides and fling themselves over the edge. I've even watched a video of a crow using a plate as a sled. The need to laugh is as primal as eating. Everything plays at some point during their youth. It's sad how we forget, or choose to stop, as we age. To me, it's like the lack of imagination for most adults. Why should we ever stop? Is there a reason? Or are we just too "mature" to have fun? It's a good question, and I encourage everyone to give it consideration.

As one of my favorite movies (Hook) says, through the lips of granny Wendy, "No growing up. Stop this very instant." Should adults be adults? Of course. But, we can still be kids inside, when we want to be.

- M

"I'm invincible!" and other silly things ...

One of my favorite comedy skits is the famous Monty Python "Black Knight" sketch where King Arthur takes on the famed knight. After King Arthur chops off the knight's arms, the knight charges with the cry, "I'm invincible!" It's hilarious and deeply disturbing, mainly because I can recognize at least a dozen times I've done that myself (well, maybe not armless but charging ahead foolishly at least). But, since the whole movie is one long joke, it's alright to see the characters behaving like idiots. Where else, but in stories are such nitwits held up as heroic figures? If you haven't seen the skit, I won't ruin it, but for those who have ... "We'll call it a draw."

So, think about the many tales you've heard over your lifetime. And, consider how often the people inside the story act just a bit larger than life. It doesn't matter if the story is true or fiction, because storytellers naturally embellish to give the story flavor and make it grand. Admit it. You like hearing other people tell of your exploits, because it gets better with the telling. These days we don't see a whole lot of oral storytelling going on, but we do have comedians ... and they tell stories all the time--yup, jokes are stories. People will want oral storytelling again, I'm sure of it (and, you can witness the spectacle at many Medieval Fairs around the world).

And the miracle of telling these stories is that words aren't even absolutely necessary. I've loved watching the "People are Amazing" videos on YouTube. What are those but magnificent stories documenting the incredible feats of the human body! We are involved in a constant greatest story ever told as we live our lives. Naturally, the question is: what is your ending? Happy or sad?

- M

Goofy, odd, nutty, and all around strange comedy

Since I grew up with Laurel & Hardy, Tim Conway, Bob Hope, Red Skelton, Jerry Lewis, and all kinds of other great comedy geniuses, I enjoy a wide variety of styles. That's probably why I enjoy British humor so much, because it's quirky and tons of fun if you allow it to be. Just look up Mr. Bean and you'll see what I mean. One thing I do truly wish is for modern comedians to dial down the profanity (think about Bill Cosby and how he managed to be funny without needing to wash his mouth out with soap after every performance).

 

This all brings me to one of my favorite television shows... The Red/Green Show. It's about a older handyman who has a rather special view of the world. It's harmless fun, and the cast is solid. What I really appreciate is they don't take themselves seriously at all. They poke fun at everything, while being wildly entertaining. Of course, you do have to take your brain off the hook and let it dangle in the wind as you watch, but we all need to do that every now and then.

 

I guess what I'm really getting at, is that we need goofy stuff around us to keep us laughing. Life shouldn't be so serious all the time. Enjoy it for what it is: a nutty carnival that hardly ever makes sense, but sure makes life interesting. Have fun, be happy.

 

 

- M

Timeless laughter, ageless beauty, and unending glory.

One thing I've heard lately is how this and that grow old and fade away. Is it true? Sure, for a lot of things it is. I'd like to suggest that there is timelessness in many others. Good humor remains good even as it ages, which is why the joke of "look over there" gets used by every generation (and probably has since the beginning of time). Beauty preferences change, but the idea of beauty is a constant; it's just our current definition that changes.

 

Anyway, all that to say that there are certain characteristics that can be identified and learned. Once we understand those, we can use them more effectively. I've been a student of laugher for all my life (even though most people who know me think I have a very dry sense of humor indeed) and love a good chuckle. I grew up with comedies and thoroughly enjoyed Jerry Lewis, Laurel and Hardy, Tim Conway, Bill Cosby, and so many others. We all can use a good laugh.

 

Yes, I truly believe that never-ending glory can be had through strong use of the timeless qualities all around us. Even if I'm wrong, it's a great goal and I hope a laudable one as well. One thing I sure don't want is to do is add to the dry rot spreading through cultures all the time. Time to break out the book of jokes and find some real groaners.

 

- M

 

"What did the ocean say to the other?"

"Nothing, he just waved..."

Goofy laws... why can't I take a bath with my horse?

Indiana law: Cannot keep a horse in a bathtub

Every state has them. Probably every city has them. I'm talking about laws that make absolutely no sense at all. Usually such laws are remnants of ages gone by, but they are still technically in effect and haven't gone away. In my own state it is illegal to take a bite from another person's hamburger. But, then it is a hamburger and that's right up there with invading my house!

 

Then there are laws that make absolutely no sense at all, such as an Illinois laws stating it is illegal to speak English. Why it's a law I can't even imagine. California is always fun, especially with movies like one law that requires a pediatrician's approval before even filming a child under 1 month old. Or how about needing a lifeguard's permission to toss a Frisbee on the beach? My favorite is that sunshine is a guarantee in California... glad they made it a law, because if the sun doesn't shine we can sue it!

 

I'd love to drive in Virginia, where it is a law that you must honk your horn when passing other cars. Fun stuff. Or how about Hawaii, where it's illegal to put coins in your ears. Not sure about that one, but there must have been some strange reason to make that law. Florida has an interesting one in that all public building doors must open outwards (I suppose it makes them all uniform at least).

 

I think we can all laugh at the silliness of people. I'm sure all these laws were written with true reasons and great severity. People believed in them. But, it doesn't stop them from being crazy and silly. People never fail to amuse me.

 

- M