Going to the beach to avoid the Sun ...

My life is filled to the brim with curious oddities. I love meat, yet am allergic to bacon. I enjoy the outdoors, yet can't stand the heat. I love music, yet have sensitive hearing. Well, I've added another to the list: I go to the beach so I can avoid the Sun. Yup. You heard me right. Not the Sun in particular, but the massive heat wave we've been experiencing in the United States. I have lost the ability to sweat, so the only way to cool off (aside from shoving ice down my throat), is to let running water carry the heat away. The ocean works impressively well at that task, therefore the beach was calling me over ... the family came along too, I'm not a tyrant.

So, there I was, swimming in the Gulf of Mexico, with a t-shirt covering my chest and a cowboy hat giving shade to my head. About the only skin actually exposed were my legs and arms. I'm happy to say I didn't get a sunburn at all. I did get a little red, from reflected light, but overall I'm unscathed. I found it interesting how many people did all sorts of things to avoid the Sun on the beach, like using tents and umbrellas and sheets. It's funny to think we travelled all that way just to cover up and ignore the blessings of nature all around us. But, that's what vacations are for! To ignore life and goof around with stuff that shouldn't matter, yet is so very much fun. We saw dolphins!

I try very hard to notice the tiny trinkets of wonder in daily life, but when you go somewhere new and experience things from a fresh viewpoint it really isn't hard at all. I'll be the first to admit that I get stressed far too easily, and frustration rises and I have a tough time maintaining composure (my wife is helping in that area, God bless her). Life is good, nature is good, family is good. We simply need to open our eyes and take it in. Maybe we'll go to the beach next year? I have no idea, but I am positive that I'll be covering up again and avoiding the Sun as much as possible.

- M

Cats and boxes

It's common knowledge that cats love catnip. It's like narcotics for them. However, there's something they want even more than that ... boxes! Yup, cat's adore boxes. Big, small, perfectly-sized, or hardly fitting, they want them all. There are many videos showing this bewildering behavior, and it's completely adorable (check out Maru the cat on YouTube). I can't understand why they do it, despite having clearly better options right in front of them.

I fit. Wanna make an issue out of it?

Sometimes I think animals do these things just to endear themselves to us. Dogs tilt their heads in such whimsical ways it's hard not to laugh. Birds imitate our speech, throwing it back at us during the most inappropriate times imaginable. I'm sure even the exotic type pets have their joys--though I can't imagine a snake ever being funny. And fish are ... just fish.

Human beings create incredibly powerful connections with pets. They become our companions, guardians, and cuddly pillows. Have you seen little kids with a new pet? If your heart doesn't fill with sweet emotion, then you aren't paying attention. Adults enjoy pets just as much, if not more, and the connections are life altering. But, despite all my considerations, I still can't figure out why cats will purposely stuff themselves into boxes far too small for their bodies.

- M

Stuffed animals are fun

With the state fair over, I've had some time to reflect. I realize the games at the fair are not strictly honest, but the prizes of stuffed animals give far more joy than they are worth. My youngest daughter was beaming from the two she had gotten. I love seeing such smiles, because they transcend any typical smile and radiate absolute happiness. It's a special kind of thing, and I've seen it many times from the ridiculous trinkets games provide as winnings. Stuffed animals are little slices of joy.

What other things make us happy, despite their seeming uselessness? Well, flowers for one. You can get a kiss by giving a girl a nice rose. When I was in high school, I made a bunch of plastic cubes which I glossed to a high sheen--my parents kept them, for apparently no other reason than I made them. Parents are renown for treasuring anything their children create. I have a bottle of ocean water, as a memory of a wonderful vacation with my wife. The saying, "One man's treasure is another man's trash," is completely true.

Back to stuffed animals, little children particularly love snuggling with them at night. It's adorable. Like pets, stuffed animals are things children get to take care of, play with, and teach. Watch little girls doing tea parties with their stuffed toys and you'll understand what I mean. Stuffed animals maintain an innocence we lose as we age, and winning them at the fair is like capturing a bit of that again. I think it's wonderful.

- M

Swim like a fish and drift like a jellyfish

Swimming is something I've done most of my life. Some of my earliest memories are of swimming in public pools (either that, or I'm imagining things, which is completely possible). Besides being marvelous exercise, getting in the water and thrashing around is great for your overall life. Think about it ... water comprises the majority of your own body, so you should really get to know it. Also, you can sink and swim underwater, enjoying the wonders of being weightless.

On the other hand, you can lay back and float on the surface--totally easy in salt water by the way. I think jellyfish have a great idea, drifting with the current to wherever things lead. Although, you won't get anywhere you want to go if you do that, so don't take any life lessons from jellyfish. It's really comfortable though, and I'm amazed how easy you can float in the ocean.

Aside from the obvious quality of cooling you down, why do we enjoy swimming so much? For me, it's because I'm relatively weightless and so my terrible knees don't bother me in the water. Water is a mystery as well, since we really only see what's on the surface and the worlds below are hidden. I've been in submersibles, and I can only imagine life in the depths. Maybe that's why sailors have historically told tall tales of sea creatures? Water is life, wonder, and mystery. Amazing.

- M

Paper cut! Someone call the paramedics!

Isn't it amazing how such flimsy pieces of paper can cut so devastatingly? I find paper does a better job of slicing than most razor blades. Actually, a magician wrote a great card magic book called "Cards as Weapons." Anyway, the trouble with paper cuts is they hurt like fire and they take forever to heal. Of course, paper is terrible when you actually want it to cut; it's more of an ambush sort of tool.

image credit



Yesterday, I decided to use another tool in an unusual way. Apparently unhappy with how I was shaving, my razor (5 bladed of course) took issue with my finger and relieved it of a few layers of fingerprint. I was so startled that I couldn't figure out what happened for a minute or two, until blood started flowing and I knew for sure what happened. I was unaware "safety razors" were so cruel. It seems very deceiving to market them as safe when they clearly are capable of serious devilry.

 

I'm sure there are other usually benign tools we have in our daily lives just waiting to pummel, rip, and tear us to pieces. Our houses are filled to the brim with things waiting to send us to the Emergency Room. I refuse to be afraid, to quaver in fear, or to bend to the will of these paltry objects. I am the master of my own domain! Let all paper fear my wrath!

 

- M

Spam mail, why is it still used?

Back when e-mail first became popular, it was my great hope that spam mail would eventually be killed off entirely. However ... nope. Both physical and electronic forms of spam mail are still as common as before and possibly even more so. Why? Do people respond well enough that the marketers feel this is still a workable effort? I just can't see it. I suspect there's less chance of a snowflake surviving in Death Valley than there is of people acting on an unsolicited piece of mail.

Electronic spam filters have become very sophisticated and eliminate tons of spam, yet some inevitably sneak through. So, they get deleted by us immediately. Again, why do spammers bother sending them out? Or, is it all a robot conspiracy and the internet is already sentient and attacking us? That's gotta be it, right? No human could possibly be that diligent. It must be machines!

So, it's now a race for human beings to overcome our new electronic overlords. Shut off those computers, throw away your cell phones, and only do things by candle light ...

NOPE!

I believe I'll just roll my eyes, toss away the junk and hit the delete button.

- M

Socks, and the untold mystery of their disappearances.

If you've ever done laundry, you've probably come across the weird phenomena of vanishing socks. I'm not sure why it's just socks and not underwear or something else disgusting, but I've never known anyone to miss their pants. I've thought about this dilemma for a long time, and I have some ideas.

First, I don't think socks are magically turning into dust in the dryer--despite how wonderful that theory is, there's not enough lint to make up an entire sock. Also, there are no black holes in the laundry room, because of lots of science reasons and the fact the Earth still exists. I doubt there is a sock monster roaming around either, so I would call that idea 50/50.


Sock mystery by Maria van Bruggen

So, what do I think is happening to these socks? Well, my personal theory is there is a previously unknown form of life which exists only within the confines of a dryer, due to the combination of heat and darkness. It's a kind of bacteria, but has great ability to absorb used cotton and footwear. It's droppings are the static electricity that bafflingly coats our clothes so thickly. This makes the loss of socks directly proportional to the level of static in your laundry. The dryer sheets we throw in to battle static actually absorb the bacteria's droppings and so prevents overwhelming sock loss. The bacteria avoid detection because they have a very hard shell which mimics the look and feel of enamel. The only way I know of to get rid of them is to starve them of socks for a month or two.

Happy hunting, and good luck.

- M