Chairs defy me on purpose! I swear. It's not me. They're out to get me.

The chair attacked me! I crushed it's spine in self defense.

One of the examples of having faith is the humble chair. It's said we all believe without question that chairs will support us, and don't put much thought into the act of sitting in one. Well, I beg to differ! My experience is chairs are unqualified and should be viewed with extreme skepticism at all turns. I cannot count the number of chairs that have exploded beneath me. Personally, I'm insulted, but I can only view this as a massive conspiracy against me.

We depend on many things to work as designed and when they don't we're understandably upset. It's a point of faith. When we get into our cars and turn the key, the engine should start. When we use a broom, the bristles should stay put and sweep up the dust. When we flip the light switch, the light should turn on. It should be faith, it should be a certainty!

Maybe I should put together a petition against objects in general. Inanimate objects hate me. Pencils and pens also fly out of my grasp like greased weasels (my best friend remembers very well being smacked in the face by soaring writing implements in computer programming school). Walls reach out and crack me in the elbow. I'm hardly clumsy, but these things happen all the time. It's on purpose, and the inanimate world is to blame! #SayNoToChairs

- M